Tuesday, October 03, 200612:24 AM
well actually i told myself i'd keep my blogging to a mininum as the o's are like less than a month away but after what happened yesterday i so had to just get it outta me.
yeah thanks you guys. thanks so much. thanks for all the crappy brainwashing. then when you're done brainwashing me, you just turn around and tell me my thinking is no longer valid. oh by the way, in case you've forgotten, its your thinking that's invalid, not mine.
for like almost a decade you guys have been brainwashing me into becoming someone you want. not someone who's her own person. yeah your personal wishes, all ingrained into me. didn't know that did you? but wait you DO. your freaking wishes and hopes became my dream. yeah after 10 years of brainwashing i decided to buy it. then you tell me no. no. just that. a plain simple freaking NO. you told me to do my best, so i could go back, and eventually, everyone. so i tried. so it wasn't freaking enough. but now you tell me i have to do something else before i can go back. like get lost. seriously. i know you think its fun to change your plans once in a while, but for goodness sake this is my EDUCATION you're playing with. and you tell me this after my prelims. like that'll help. sheesh i must be one heck of an idiot to have bought that. i hope you're very happy now. im sure throwing everything that i planned away will help me a whole lot in life. i should write a thank you card to you guys.
and damn do you know what it's like to be in this family? before i even started formal education you, you, yes YOU started your brainwashing on me already. before the education system even got me, i was already fooled by you. i hope you feel honoured. so sad for me. a daily dose of manipulation and this is what i am now. i feel used in case you don't know. everytime you told me to do well so that we'd have a good excuse to go back, and that'd be my education. i feel freaking used. all i've been so far is something that'll convince others to let us go back, with my freaking education as a stupid excuse. damn why do i even bother to listen sometimes???
so now i hope you're happy. we can go back. on the stupid condition that i go through another route. and if i really do get on that route, don't you dare come and start your stupid manipulation again. im done with it. stop depending on me for a freaking reason: you're an adult you should know better. didn't you pay attention to pastor cynthia? you've done enough on me already.
but you know what. since you want me to go by that route so much. so let it be. but don't you regret it. everything comes with its price tag. and im going to make it a heavy and expensive one. after all, your price tag for me is just as expensive; my sanity's worth a lot more than my tuition fees you know. besides, you've always said im too slack. so why are you so surprised that im FREAKING studying now? shouldn't you be happy? the discipline to study is to know what kinda noises to shut out and when. but very unfortunately, you're classified under that. so yeah lay the crap off me why dontcha. when im relaxing you tell me to study. when i study you make a crapload of noise that's enough to wake the dead. what in the great green blue blazing earth do you want from me??? well it's too bad you don't have a child prodigy for a daughter so yeah just put up with me okay. im sorry i can't be perfect. by your standards.
anyways since you always like to quote scripture to me, here's one for you. im not trying to be rude, but it IS stated in the Bible go check it up yourself. i don't lie with the scripture. "parents do not exasperate you children..." i can't remember where this is taken from but i do know what it means. and it means to not smother your children and let them be their own person, and not make them into someone you want. get that yet?
i don't need you to further strangle me. i don't need your expectations to drown me. get off my back and let me be. you've done enough on this child, she's failed you: go do your manipulation on the other two. you'll probably have better luck with them.
Labels: angst, stress, teenage life
say it RIGHT.