whatsername
justa normalgirl
18teen and exasperated straightlyher
would crave for [tequilasunrise] or [anyfruitycocktail] in times of depression or upsetness
or craftwork & literature, depending
erratic and admitting it :p
Delectable Martini Chocolates ;
caramellic
mooooovies^
sprees of silliness musicology
chocoholic. BIG TIME
DONUTSSS!!!
appley pies~ swing swings dance dance
photographica
laughter loving
makeup-o-matic
love seeking no more
give it some time to load. toggle around with the buttons, that might actually help the loading process (and your boredom). turn up your speakers. if you're not gonna stay here for my entries, im pretty sure you will, for the music :D and the fortune cookie too :p
okay like first i had these voices in my head... they just sorta came from nowhere and started talking to me about stuff i never dreamt or thought of... they talk to me, frustrate me at times, keep me amused, freak me out a lil sometimes, keep me company, are there for me when i need them (well sometimes... sometimes they aren't there just when i need them =[)... yeah you get the picture... its fun... i laugh at/with them, debate with them, talk to them... yeah its not bad... but having 3 different people with different characters all in my head really gets to me... but it's all good... i've learnt to get used to it and embrace this whole thing ha~ some of you guys may have already been (rudely) introduced to them... yup they're kimi and saito.
okay intro:kimi is the nicer, more girly/feminine, more polite, sweeter, more studious one. any nice words or comments that i randomly type out to you, yeap it's from kimi... she's always asking about the well-being of people and stuff... don't ask me why please...
and yes. dear saito. she's the edgier, rougher, rockier, more rude/unreserved, more heck-care-please-get-lost-if-you-intend-to-irritate-me one. any rough/rude words or comments that i randomly type out to you, no prizes for guessing, would be from saito... of course yeah i'll apologize on her behalf okay? so yup people, do get used to them... cos i have a feeling they'll be around for quite some time...
and today... SINGING CHIPMUNK VOICES.in my head. oh please of all the random weird strange bizarre totally lamefied ultra unanswererable things... WHY CHIPMUNK VOICES??? -.-'' its like having a whole choir of singing chips and dales up in my head... and no it aint cute at all... sure chip and dale are cute... but a whole choir of them?SINGING??? sorry but i really do beg to differ... it aint cute till you get it in your head man... and for goodness sakes, of all the wonderful times to hit me with this, it had to come during the exam. the english gce o level comprehension exam. LIKE HELLO. i need to get a stupid a for this subject, and to get that i need total concentration and focus. and singing chipmunk voices DO NOT fit the bill of things that encourage concentration during an exam -.-'' and i was already having a bad headache. then the voices of singing chipmunks. oh the wonder of it. -.-'' its like really stupid. you know how when those people in shows receive enlightenment and stuff, then bright light will shine down from the heavens and angels start singing songs and stuff. well that happened to me. except that my angels were CHIPMUNKS.SINGING. and you roughly know how chipmunk voices are like. IMAGINE A WHOLE CHOIR OF THEM. tian... i really didn't know whether to laugh, freak out or totally just break down and cry, cos i was already wanting to cry from the first paper which was composition...
zzz anyways its over. i haven't heard them after that, or for the rest of the day. hopefully it won't come back again tomorrow especially during the exam. PLEASE. like zzz... tian ar...
hello to all the little people out there =] just here to let you know that xianing's in the process of being murdered and locked up and buried inside our closets and we'll only let her out if we feel like it... so any posts following this one would most likely be from us and not from that little pathetic soul...
by the way... its kimi destry and saito lebrun here =]
hitting outta control i cant take any more you better start running dont think you wanna stay for the show
i'll use my last bit of sanity to scrape out this warning for all you people around me... i'll probably be erratic,moodswingy, unreasonable, irritable and stuff of that sorts for this period of time... but you know what, i won't be sorry for it cos its not my fault ha hahee ha... ow headache again.............................................................................................................................................................
You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.
die die let me die
let me curl up and die stop the cycle of asking why all the stupid tears i cry bring me on another high i can't take all these lies die die let me die~
-Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood -Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism -Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness (check) -Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex -Decreased energy, fatigue -Difficulty concentrating, remembering and making decisions -Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping (check) -Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain -Restlessness, irritability (check) -Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain -Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts (check... 5 for the record) -Thoughts or talk of self-harm or harm to others (check) -Giving away prized possessions or a sudden lifting of depressed mood (often indications that a decision about suicide has been reached)
forms of depression(like that thing itself isn't bad enough):
Major depression -characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. A disabling episode of depression like this may happen only once, but more commonly people experience several in a lifetime.
Dysthymia -a less severe type of depression, involves long-term, chronic symptoms that are not disabling, but keep one from functioning well or feeling good. Many people with dysthymia also experience major depressive episodes at some time in their lives.
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depressive illness) -not nearly as prevalent as other forms of depression. Characterized by cycling mood changes, the patient experiences severe highs (mania) and lows (depression). Sometimes the mood switches are rapid, but most often they are gradual. In the depressed cycle, an individual can have any or all of the symptoms of a typical depressive disorder. In the manic phase, he or she may be hyperactive, excessively talkative, and have a great deal of energy. (oh jia lat... im like this!!!)
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) -a major depression that occurs in the winter when the amount of sunlight is limited.
Postpartum depression -occurs within four weeks of childbirth. Most new mothers suffer from some form of the "baby blues." Postpartum depression, in contrast, is major depression, thought to be triggered by changes in hormonal flows associated with having a baby.
Psychotic depression -a rare form of depression characterized by delusions or hallucinations, such as believing you are someone you are not and hearing voices.
Recent research has revealed that emotional trauma can result from such common occurrences as an auto accident, the breakup of a significant relationship, a humiliating or deeply disappointing experience, the discovery of a life-threatening illness or disabling condition, or other similar situations. Traumatizing events can take a serious emotional toll on those involved, even if the event did not cause physical damage.
Regardless of its source, an emotional trauma contains three common elements: -it was unexpected -the person was unprepared -there was nothing the person could do to prevent it from happening
It is not the event that determines whether something is traumatic to someone, but the individual's experience of the event. And it is not predictable how a given person will react to a particular event.
symptoms of emotional trauma:
physical:
-Eating disturbances (more or less than usual) -Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual) -Sexual dysfunction -Low energy (sometimes) -Chronic, unexplained pain
emotional:
-Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness (check) -Anxiety -Panic attacks -Fearfulness -Compulsive and obsessive behaviors -Feeling out of control (check) -Irritability, angry and resentment (50% check) -Emotional numbness (the other 50% check) -Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships
cognitive:
-Memory lapses, especially about the trauma -Difficulty making decisions -Decreased ability to concentrate -Feeling distracted (sometimes)
extreme symptoms:
Re-experiencing the trauma
-intrusive thoughts -flashbacks or nightmares (check) -sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event (check)
Emotional numbing and avoidance -amnesia -avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event -detachment -depression (check) -guilt feelings -grief reactions -an altered sense of time
Increased arousal
-hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard" -overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger -general anxiety -insomnia (check... having it for AGES) -obsessions with death (check)
Common personal and behavioral effects of emotional trauma:
-substance abuse -compulsive behavior patterns -self-destructive and impulsive behavior (check) -uncontrollable reactive thoughts (check) -inability to make healthy professional or lifestyle choices -dissociative symptoms ("splitting off" parts of the self) -feelings of ineffectiveness, shame, despair, hopelessness (check) -feeling permanently damaged (check) -a loss of previously sustained beliefs
Common effects of emotional trauma on interpersonal relationships:
-inability to maintain close relationships or choose appropriate friends and mates -sexual problems -hostility -arguments with family members, employers or co-workers -social withdrawal -feeling constantly threatened (er i dunno... it does occur occasionally)
[okay i'll leave these symptoms to the people around me to decide ha hahee ha]
-sleep disturbances -back, shoulder or neck pain -tension or migraine headaches (check) -upset or acid stomach, cramps, heartburn, gas, irritable bowel syndrome -constipation, diarrhea -weight gain or loss, eating disorders (check) -hair loss -muscle tension -fatigue (check) -high blood pressure -irregular heartbeat, palpitations -asthma or shortness of breath (check) -chest pain -sweaty palms or hands -cold hands or feet -skin problems (hives, eczema, psoriasis, tics, itching) (check) -periodontal disease, jaw pain -reproductive problems -immune system suppression: more colds, flu, infections -growth inhibition
emotional symptoms:
-nervousness, anxiety -depression, moodiness (check) -“butterflies” -irritability, frustration (check) -memory problems -lack of concentration (check) -trouble thinking clearly (check) -feeling out of control (check) -substance abuse -phobias -overreactions
signs of acute stress:
-emotional distress (irritability, resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression) (check) -muscular problems (tension headache, back pain, jaw pain, etc.) -problems involving the stomach, gut, and bowels (heartburn, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome)
signs of episodic acute stress:
-are always rushing and always late -take on too much and have "too many irons in the fire" -feel over-aroused, short-tempered, anxious, and/or tense most of the time -describe yourself as having "a lot of nervous energy" (check... well sorta...) -have "worry wart" tendencies (focus on negative possibilities and anticipate crisis or disaster in most situations) (check)
health problems that result from stress:
-obesity -heart disease -cancer -depression -anorexia nervosa or malnutrition -obsessive-compulsive or anxiety disorder (soon) -substance abuse -ulcers -diabetes -sexual abuse -hyperthyroidism -hair loss -tooth and gum disease
argh zzz what the okay now i have this stupiiiiiid stupid stupid stupid rash thingie growing all over me damnit its super itchy and its pissing me off by the millisecond... finally went to the doc's yesterday and turns out i have this stupid chronic problem with my stupid skin cells...
apparently because cells have no brains, so they become stupid and start doing random things on their own accord such as releasing some bloody chemicals i dunno what, giving rise to my stupid rashes... and like hello must it appear at sucha crucial period??? my final week for mugging before i die and this happens...like thanks a whole bunch man cells... just when i thought that you guys were pretty cool things after learning about you in bio, you turn around and show me your ultimate stupidity... thank you for publicly displaying your idiocity... oh yeah the doc said it most likely is due to stress too like hello do i look stressed??? i think i play the most out of everyone around me can... all i do is laugh and play and joke and skip remedials, while everyone's mugging the brain juice outts themselves... i think im the least likely one who should be diagnosed with suffering from stress...
zzz anyways maybe i should be thankful for getting these stupid rashes cos if not for them, i wouldn't be here typing this completely nutty entry... i'd be at my cousins house praying to die instead... my entire family's gone out to ''spend time'' with my malaysian cousins who came down for the week and thank God for that please... i so cannot stand the noise of my own family, nor the noise of my cousins... needless to say their noises TOGETHER... hahax so yeah my family left me alone cos of my stupid rashes cos i told them no way was i gonna go out, itching and scratching looking like a freak... so they left me alone in peace YAY! =]
now i think the stupid meds have gotten my wires and screws up there completely messed up cos im all impatient and sad and moody and depressed and appetite-less... zzz is that how steroids make you feel?cos if they do i'd rather itch to death than moodswing every 5 minutes and become so stupid crying/screaming ''fsck off!'' machine... like seriously it is no fun at all...
zzz anyways im having a bloody headache now will go find something mindless to read and post ha hahee ha~ (suddenly i have the overwhelming urge to cry... save me...)
well actually i told myself i'd keep my blogging to a mininum as the o's are like less than a month away but after what happened yesterday i so hadto just get it outta me.
yeah thanks you guys. thanks so much. thanks for all the crappy brainwashing. then when you're done brainwashing me, you just turn around and tell me my thinking is no longer valid. oh by the way, in case you've forgotten, its your thinking that's invalid, not mine.
for like almost a decadeyou guys have been brainwashing me into becoming someone you want. not someone who's her own person. yeah your personal wishes, all ingrained into me. didn't know that did you? but wait youDO. your freaking wishes and hopes became my dream. yeah after 10 years of brainwashing i decided to buy it. then you tell me no. no. just that. a plain simple freaking NO. you told me to do my best, so i could go back, and eventually, everyone. so i tried. so it wasn't freaking enough. but now you tell me i have to do something else before i can go back. like get lost. seriously. i know you think its fun to change your plans once in a while, but for goodness sake this is my EDUCATION you're playing with. and you tell me this after my prelims. like that'll help. sheesh i must be one heck of an idiot to have bought that. i hope you'revery happy now. im sure throwing everything that i planned away will help me a whole lot in life. i should write a thank you card to you guys.
and damn do you know what it's like to be in this family? before i even started formal education you,you, yes YOU started your brainwashing on me already. before the education system even got me, i was already fooled by you. i hope you feel honoured. so sad for me. a daily dose of manipulation and this is what i am now. i feel used in case youdon't know. everytime you told me to do well so that we'd have a good excuse to go back, and that'd be my education. i feel freaking used. all i've been so far is something that'll convince others to let us go back, with my freaking education as a stupid excuse. damn why do i even bother to listen sometimes???
so now i hope you're happy. we can go back. on the stupid condition that i go through another route. and if i really do get on that route, don't you dare come and start yourstupidmanipulation again. im done with it. stop depending on me for a freaking reason: you're an adult you should know better. didn't you pay attention to pastor cynthia? you've done enough on me already.
but you know what. since you want me to go by that route so much. so let it be. but don't you regret it. everything comes with its price tag. and im going to make it a heavy and expensive one. after all, your price tag for me is just as expensive; my sanity's worth a lot more than my tuition fees you know. besides, you've always said im too slack. so why are you so surprised that im FREAKING studying now? shouldn't you be happy? the discipline to study is to know what kinda noises to shut out and when. but very unfortunately, you're classified under that. so yeah lay the crap off me why dontcha. when im relaxing you tell me to study. when i study you make a crapload of noise that's enough to wake the dead. what in the great greenblue blazingearth do you want from me??? well it's too bad you don't have a child prodigy for a daughter so yeah just put up with me okay. im sorry i can't be perfect. by your standards.
anyways since you always like to quote scripture to me, here's one for you. im not trying to be rude, but it IS stated in the Bible go check it up yourself. idon't lie with the scripture. "parents do not exasperate you children..." i can't remember where this is taken from but i do know what it means. and it means to not smother your children and let them be their own person, and not make them into someone youwant. get that yet?
i don't needyou to further strangle me. i don't needyour expectations to drown me. get off my back and let me be. you've done enough on this child, she's failedyou: go do yourmanipulation on the other two. you'll probably have better luck with them.
hello my new name in 4e117o6 and im currently serving a 4 year prison sentence in christchurch prison... so sad on saturday i was serving CWO in the art studio for who-knows-how-long... and the worst thing is they make us wear lies on the uniforms like ''We Love CHR!''... sighs what did i do wrong to get this? okay lammee but i was thinking of this during art on sat... hahax okayys this is a kinda postponed post... lols i love wordplay dontcha? =] yeahs so anyways i dragged myself outta my precious bed to go for art cos we were supposed to hand in our art coursework on that day... but obviously almost noone was finished by then... so we were kept prisoner there to finish up as much as possible =[ hahax yeahs n i dragged dear ol' tina down too so i wouldn't be alone =] need proof?
no imnot pointing my middlefinger at tina!!! >.< msging ____ while taking the pic =]
-sparse freaks-
mmm 4gb ipod...i want! wonder howshe does that lols =]
and let me tell you i think i have a new stalker called tina hahax... she's crazy! keep on taking pics of me... thanks ar by the way... i feel so honoured getting photographed by you HAHAX =] need more proof?
me & cs studying at the library cafe during sept hols. that's yiwen's super-extra middlefinger -.-''
hahax i was eating a pockystick =] look at our serious expressions: we were discussing math hehex... tina says i look like im dressed to go dancing... really meh?
look at this super lame-o... she's wearing my new hoodie-jacket... kouper lols =]
okayy like i am so dead... i just flushed the easiest parts of my prelims down the toilet and into the sewer... just great...
hmmm lets see... chem/bio pracs were on like 25th of this month (did i rmb correctly???), friday... well obviously i didn't study much for chem cos the whole list of cations, anions & gases r given to you so no point wasting my precious brain cells over it when i can use it for something better right? so yeah i studied pretty well for bio prac instead =]
well guess what? surprise surprise IM STILL GONNA FLOP BOTH PRACTICALS!!! like for chem... i heated the stupid blue crystals n this smelly yellowish-brown gas came out... tested it with blue litmus n it turned it red... okayy so the results weren't as exact as expected but yeah its lab stuff we're talking here its bound to be a lil screwed in one way or another lols... so i just estimated n the closest answer i could get was chlorine gas... guess what? the answer was NITROGEN DIOXIDE. like hello we've never done the test for that gas before! how would we freakin know???
n bio... it was THE BEST. seriously. our dear teacher kept giving us hints to study for food tests n plant related stuff... so obviously we'd mug n focus like crazy for them right? in the end what came out was the most unexpected thing: the EYE. for goodness sakes. the EYE. its so NOT related to the stuff she hinted at us to study for... well obviously food tests came out... its like as ESSENTIAL for bio pracs... ugh but i still cant get over the eye thing... my tutor n i were going thru the entire bio textbook n covering every single practical we could do... when it came to the chapter on the eyes, my tutor n i were laughing our heads off cos it seemed too weird n ridiculous to do... man the irony of life... -.-''
sighs my dear darling english prelims... even better still... screwed it all up down left right centre... i didnt write the addresses for the letter-writing component cos the reciepient was the sch principal, n i was supposed to be writing on behalf of my cca... so obviously if i were to write it on their behalf i'd write it in sch so we can discuss it, n just pop it into the principal's office right? what for write stupid addresses??? -.-'' its common-sensical...
n my composition... oh my... i hope ms tambunan's the one marking it... i dunno why but i'd just rather her mark it any day... i wrote on a topic thats so open i probably went over the line a lil bit... it was those kinda one-word topics that u can expand from n it was 'freedom'... yeah thats it just 'freedom'. i crapped on n on n even dragged stuff like perspective n irony in... man the worse thing is that though i like to deal with stuff like that, but to use it in an essay is like so wrong... i wonder what ms tambunan will make of it...
n my beloved comprehension n summary writing... another gone case... the passage on its own was kinda hard to deduce answers from... then i got this headbangingly hurting headache which later on affected my vision... i couldn't think properly n had this weird urge to puke... my shoulder blades n back began to hurt n i couldn't breathe properly... i started to perspire n stop every 5 mins then start again n it was so super irritating... ughs hope my compre n summary come out okay despite all that crap...
sighs oh well gotta go cos dad's making so much noise n its making my head hurt even more than it already is... all the best to me n 4e1 for our remaining prelims =/
oh hahax thank you fedora yeo [i forgot your chinese name lols] oh-so much for reminding me that tmr is the day that i get my chinese o level results back... yeah thanks so much babe -.-'' like how could i forget???
tmr i get an o level result back, take an o level result, and its cs's birthday as well... poor baby >.<
n the darn english oral exam... im like the 12th person n the last!!! so i have to like wait for the 11 people before me to freak out before i can freak out?!? n i have to watch everybody get fired at before i can get shot at cos im last in the firing line?!? ughs so unfair... the list doesnt seem to be in alphabetical order cos people with names starting with 'T' or even further down the alphabet r infront of me!!! *screams* no fair!!! n cs is like 2nd in line... argh n i wanted to celebrate her birthday with her... why must tmr be so crappy??? =[ RARHS oh yes n to my dear mummy LeeCheeSan HAPPIE BIRTHDAY TO YOU =] happie sweet16 (if you consider the year you take your o's sweet) n look out for a birthday bash tmr... just in case =] so yeahs i still love u mum even though you're like a year OLDER now n thanks for going shopping with me yesterday! so loved it! <3>
n to everybody getting their results back tmr, hope for the best =] n to those taking the english orals tmr as well, all the best >.<
wheeps finally im blogging again... its been a full month since my last entry... crap la guess i'll have to put lots of stuff on hold cos of so many STUDIES-related things... so gross la ok let me describe it... monday- chem remedial till about 2, then art 'remedial' from 2.30 to 5.30...tues- free if not i'll go study on my own or get a friend to help me with MATH...wed- bio remedial...thurs- chinese remedial till 4 plus, then chem tuition from 5.3- till 7...fri- math & chinese tuition from 3.30 to 6.30... weekends free but my parents won't let me off much... wha & sometimes i wonder what im doing this for man... but in any case i won't be blogging or even coming online any time soon... don't miss me bloggie! x)
oh no... i think life would be so much easier without report cards and exams... sighs... imma sad sad sad human bean living on this earth... could someone be kind enough to take me out for some watering and sunshine? cos the exams and its results are killing me le... hahax man this june holiday's gonna suck big time... excuse my early stages of verbal diarrhoea... sighs...
