Borne of Boredom & A Craving for Humour
Monday, August 18, 20089:58 PM
here's another topic of lighter and more digestible content, also brought to you by http://www.boardofwisdom.com/ ! after all, when all else fails, damn you should've followed your instincts and used your sense of humour instead! :p haha enjoy ya'll!
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
-some big organization
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy.
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.*
*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.*
*John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.*
*Hi. Now YOU say something.*
*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.*
*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.*
So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face."
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right... -Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive... -Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP... -Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man... -Dum Fuk
5) Small horse... -Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?... -Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table... -Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift... -Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here... -Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet... -Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone... -No Pah King
12) staying out of sight... -Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile... -Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive... -Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great... -Fa Kin Su Pah
For the losers who didnt get it.....
refer to 4) please :D
Whoever said nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming into a revolving door.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
When the americans went to space they quickly found out that ball point pens wouldn't work in zero G's, so NASA spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that could write in zero G's, upside down, underwater on almost any surface including glass and in temperatures ranging from below freezing and to 300 degrees F.
THE RUSSIANS USED A PENCIL
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”
“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.
(im waiting for this one to happen to me in REAL LIFE!)
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The teacher fainted.
(hella i love that joke the best. well one of the best actually HAHA)
Labels: boardofwisdom.com, funny, randominity
say it RIGHT.