Why
Saturday, September 27, 20083:03 PM
Why do you cry
till your eyes swell and turn blood-red,
When he doesn't bother?
Why do you wait
for his call, keeping up all night,
When he doesn't bother?
Why do you get upset,
allowing your whole week to be ruined,
When he doesn't bother?
Why does your heart
ache, hurt and break,
When he doesn't bother?
Why do you write
about your disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration,
When he doesn't bother?Labels: angst, depressed, disappointment, frustration, literature, love, sadness
say something,
say it RIGHT.
-
2:54 PM
phone calls,
long conversations,
cards,
arguments,
text messages,
whispers,
emails,
promises,
kisses,
agreements,
jokes,
gifts,
pictures,
hugs,
sweet nothings.
your time was too much to ask for.Labels: angst, depressed, disappointment, frustration, sadness
say something,
say it RIGHT.
bunch of randoms & something not so random
Sunday, September 07, 20088:00 PM
ooooooooookay. before it completely slips out of my mind. MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO/GET.
1. get 2 international calling cards during lunch tomorrow!!! gahhhhhhh
2. start decorating locker in school so i won't feel so dejected/rejected :[
3. get public library card done (lameshit, dont ask)
4. dig up old lit notes from Singapore!!!
5. get the book "The Bite of The Mango".
-very interesting book, written by a girl from Kenya (if i remember clearly). she grew up during the time of politcal conflict, which Africa is well-known for, in all unfortuity. when she was 10, a child soldier severed both her hands and after which, instructed her to "tell the president to give you new hands." The titel of the book comes from her recollection of when a man gave her a mango on the night of the same day when her hands got cut off. he held it up to her mouth to help feed her, but she insisted on taking it home with her in her wrapped stubs. she came to Canada somewhat 8 years ago, and is going to college this year (or was it university? can't remember clearly). and be surprised, she refuses to use prosthetics, as she finds them expensive, and besides, she "can manage" with what she already has. what interests me in this book is the fact that it's about Africa, the country wrapped in controversy and infamy. it's so unfortunate, that corruption, politics and its past has plagued it to such terrible stages. and yet beneath the whole ugly layer that seems to shroud out everything, its culture, people and resources are actually so intriguing, mysterious and stirring. the people are especially interesting. have you noticed that almost all Olympic winners for the track events (esp sprints) are blacks? and that many singers with "big voices" are also black? eg. stevie wonder, if you dont get it. so i think getting this book would help broaden my perspectives on Africa, that country so many of us know as the "AIDS/HIV place", "corrupted land", "burdened continent", blahblah. oei dont forgot your ancestors came from that lush continent okay, so that's your ORIGINAL MOTHERLAND. haha. and i have this secret interest in Africa :D and South America :D yeah i like places with lotsa native/traditional spirituality stuff :D okay nexxxt..........-
6. find more acrylic nails from the dollarstore
7. find nice movies to download :x (spiralfrog isn't as efficient as good ol' limewire)
8. get the dvd for Step Up 2 The Streets! :]
9. try that new temporary hairdye from the dollarstore. if it works, buy more! :D
10. clear up my freakkin room -_-"
11. find my bank token and transfer the money i owe Fefe. WAYYYYYYYYYY overdue man :x
12. mail the neoprint to Cheesan and the ticket + SGD$10 to hubby.
13. FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THOSE COLOURED CONTACT LENSES!!!
14. more tights/leggings! really really! but here so damn ex, averages CND$8 for a pair. wth. i always find my stockings for under SGD$6 -_-"
15. stop falling asleep during chem class
16. stop bad-mouthing my biology teacher's teaching methods :x
17. pick a book & movie for my ISU
18. prepare for WINTERRRRRRRRR. (okay not really la, but it's getting cold now so let's pretend there's no such thing as autumn :x)
i know, such a long list right? but what to do, im a lazy-assed procrastinator with a really bad memory. so yup :]
okay i think i should update about back-to-school life, which i have been living for the past 3-4days. it's pretty okay i guess, even though it's gonna take a lot of getting used to. for example, there are SO MANY asians that even I'M scared, the locks for our lockers belong to our school -_-", and we have only the caf and the first floor to eat at during lunch. in banting we could eat ANYWHERE, bring our OWN locks (yay!), and there was a bit better balance of races there :x no no im not saying banting rocks and richmond green sucks, but it is a more different high school experience when compared. and more complicated administration to get used to -_-"
but it's been alright so far, i can understand almost half of the school (chinese & cantonese yo!!!), and i haven't lost my way around the school. yet. so all is well thus far :] plus my teachers are nice (but i still dont like the b i o teacher). english teacher Mr Jones is funny (and sorta reminds me of Mr Kang back in Sg), and chem teacher Mr Robertson is just like an alkali metal: way reactive, but in a good way :] and yeah i finally know how to open my locker now that i have the right code -_-" but i still need a proper lunch place, i might end up obstructing others if i sit in front of my locker munching away...
oh uh and about social life. ZIP NADA ZILCH. yes i suck like that. whatever socializing/interpersonal skills i developed and refined and honed painstakingly, i seem to have lost here :[ YOU KNOW HOW SAD IS THAT OR NOT??? :[ im always so quiet and im always hanging out with the studious people (well the quieter ones, that is). im not prejudiced or anything, but being quiet is just not me. well not typically me, so i'll just go about it step by step, and see how much of social skills i have left. BOO :[
but i did make a few... um... accquaintances. ("friends" would be stretching it a bit, cos it's on a deeper level.) so i got to know a few people in my classes, all of whom are pretty okay (rarely have i met a non-okay person before, really). but i feel like a loner in the school cos some people have known each other since what, grade 7 or something? since grade 7 to 11... yeah that's hell tough ice to crack man. like, i did talk to a few people, but when their friends come along, it makes me miss the times in Singapore, when i was surrounded by friends, and all the laughs we shared. does make me wish i was back in Sg... :[
anyways, there's somethings about the school that kinda ticks me off: the administration system. okay in banting, lockers are assigned according to homeroom teachers, and we bring our own locks. so a row of locks will belong to the students of a particular homeroom teacher, locked by whatever you bring. here at richmond green, lockers are assigned by the office, RANDOMLY. and you have to use the school locks, like it or not. trust me i hate that system. i dont like the fact that it's not in order, and that we cant use our own locks. i guess they cant put them by class order, cos there are people who wanna switch or drop classes, so that i understand. but use the school's locks? memorize the combination they give me? arghhhhhhhhhh... so dumb. for goodness sake the office lady gave me the wrong code. it wasnt till the 3rd time that she got it right -_-" and my locker is so new, i can break my hand opening it everytime lol. sighs more getting used to i guess.
and it's nice that there's a plaza right opposite our school, so i can drop by for a starbucks frapp or stock up on gum when i need too :D too bad they don't have shoppers drug mart there though, man i love shoppers! esp when stuff there goes on sale! but... too bad. starbucks makes up fo it though :]
so im off to do my biology homework now (ARGH) and revise for my bio and chem diagnostics test (double ARGH! no wait that's triple...) that's tomorrow. i so have to stop falling asleep during chem. WHO MADE SCIENCE THE TOUGHER STREAM THAN ARTS HUH??? Labels: frustration, randominity, school life, teenage life
say something,
say it RIGHT.
thinking too much
Saturday, August 23, 20081:52 PM
was it wrong for me to ask you that? i think my reaons for asking you to consider that are pretty justified.
you are where you are now because of me: sleep-deprived, constantly missing someone, deprived of time to study, sleeping at odd hours of the night and waking up ridiculously early just so you can talk to me, limited to the computer to talk to me, etc.
is that what you truly want to do with your youth? become sleep-deprived, msn-addicted, just because of me? IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS?
i feel guilty, and responsible. how can i allow myself to interrupt with your well-being as a person? im supposed to make sure that i give you the best i can in this replationship, and all you get is the above mentioned??? plus my temper tantrums??????? it's too much, i already feel overwhelmed typing this down, how on earth is it for you?
i feel bad for putting you in this situation, when you could be doing so much more rather than all that i listed above. dont get me wrong when i asked u to consider that idea; i was honestly thinking of your well-being. and people have this tendency to either underestimate or overestimate their current well-being, it's never accurate.
im speaking very honestly and earnestly when i tell you it's not your fault at all, i just really feel that i am pulling you down when you could be making a lot more progress. i dont want you to plunge into depression too; it's hard to imagine 2 people getting together as a couple. well for me la, cos my imagination is so limited :x
i know you dont want to, but maybe keep this as a consideration at the sidelines. you can say that it's the anger or depression talking, but they're a part of me, so it's me speaking. and im not doing this for self-justification, but more of a reasoning to get you somewhere much better.Labels: confusion, depressed, frustration, love
say something,
say it RIGHT.
end my miseryyyy....
Friday, August 22, 200811:38 PM
i hate my life. for now. i really do. im surrounded by a bunch of motherfucking idiots who cant make up their mind as to what they wanna do, thus making fools out of themselves, and very unfortunately, dragging me into the picture. sighs. wow. what a life i have. oh oh, and i have to cater to their every whim and fancy too, like a pet poodle/chihuahua. fuck off la.
it all started in the afternoon, when i was having lunch with my grandma and parents after they came back from shopping. so anyways, after lunch, i decided to watch some replays of the olympics (eh they were showing rhythmic gymnastics okay!!!), and very suay suay-ly, my dad told me (not ask), to make soba noodles as part of tonight's dinner. i hell did not want to, it was my dad's brilliant idea to make it for everyone, and it was his brilliant impulse to get all the ingredients. and unlucky old me, am the only one who knows how to make it. so yeah.
so how? scowl and do la, what else. i was planning on chatting with my hubby awhile more, in case his internet connection got cut off. besides, i have better things to do other than standing in front of a freaking pot of noodles, watching and waiting for it to boil. pfft. but whatever la. once my dad gets brilliant ideas, there's not stopping him, which means deep big shit for me lor. so i wasted like half an hour (more actually) of my youth, cooking soba noodles, watching the pot boil, and getting scolded by my grandma all the way, just cos i cooked the noodles differently than how she would normally cook her own noodles.
OI. I LEARNT IT DIFFERENTLY CAN. hell annoying, seriously. at least my dad bothered to help a little. my mum? talking to my grandma lor, agreeing with her every sentence, esp those that included my uselessness. WOW. amazing right? proves that what i told my psychiatrist was totally 110% true (i'll reveal that later).
anyways, after the whole youth-wasting event, i went back upstairs to destress a little (i was pretty pissed okay) and to talk to my beloved too. aiya suay, i would have to return back into the kitchen in about 3hours' time to cut the seaweed and cook the fishcake that goes with the noodles. ah fine, whatever. unfortunately, careless me forgot to watch the clock and ended up going down late. shit lor. lucky my parents had to go out again, so i didnt get a scolding. yet.
hurried down, cut up the fishcake into a few parts, asked my grandma to help me steam them (what the hell is steaming anyways? i only know what steaming for the hair is), then proceeded to cut the seaweed. WITH SCISSORS. 10 SHEETS. EACH JUST SLIGHTLY SMALLER THAN A4 SIZE. yay. all the while getting scolded by my grandma, just cos i wasn't sure whether to boil or steam the fishcake. OMG. like that also nice to scold. eh, i know i went for a few cooking classes before, but so very sorry, my teacher didnt EMPHASIZE how to cook fishcake (the class WASN'T on fishcake, but it was used as an ingredient), and i didnt get the chance to practice. SO VERY SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU. forget cannot arh? damnit. i was so annoyed. ALL THE WAY. she kept saying sending me to the cooking class was a waste of money, that sending me there was "bai fei de", all that kinda rubbish la basically. whoa damnit, i wonder how i managed to control my temper man. seriously. i shot back at her finally, glaring hell hard through my specs, and told her, "i stupid can? can or not, if im this stupid???" (in chinese la,of course)
wow, she didnt take the hint for her to SHUT UP. damn. so the blahblah continues. she scold scold scold, i cut cut cut. pfft. then later parents came down and joined the scolding fest. yay. so now it's "Scold Jerlyne Till She Becomes Fucking Pathetic" Day. why didnt anyone inform me, at the least? tsk. all the while, im just cutting seaweed, looking busy, trying to control my temper, and fit in with the current mood, which was excitement over soba noodles. oh gosh. excitement. over NOODLES. dont ask. seriously, im still wondering.
i was hell pissed while everything was going on okay. here i am, cutting 10sheets of seaweed, cut till my right hand is now bruised okay, cos the scissors was pretty shitty itself, and guess what? nobody cares that im getting insulted beyond hell. all ya'll care about is whether your stomach gets filled or not. by the time i was done cutting, i was so pissed off i actually lost my appetite. when i was stilling cutting the seaweed all nice and pretty for everyone, my dad came up to me and whispered, "eh sorry arh, looks like there won't be any for you..." i declared as loudly as i could (with my head bent over the scissors): "IT'S OKAY.I DONT WANT ANY."
now here's the thing. im the kind that loves to try the masterpiece that she whipped out, just to see if it was according to her expectations. so when i declare that i DONT WANT ANY, something is up. sorry la, unfortunately my parents dont know and all the more dont care. my uncle and his family eat can liao. including my grandparents. me? lil fucker can go curl up and die in the basement. collect her remnants when they next move out. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING HERE OKAY. seriously. hardly anyone moved a muscle when i told them i didnt want dinner at all. not even the rice that my grandma cooked just in case there wasn't enough noodles to go around. NOTHING. just a piece of watermelon my mum made me try, to see if it was sweet or not -.-''
yeah as if it wasn't bad enough, i got dragged with my parents to clean up our new place. hubby was like "HUH. but you didnt eat dinner leh..."
YOU THINK THEY FUCKING CARE? as long as i cater to their every whim and fancy, ALL IS OKAY!!! ALL IS FUCKING WONDERFUL!!!
oh and as if it wasn't bad enough, more scolding to come. wow awesome eh? cared so much by people, kena so much scolding in less than 8hours. wow. can set world record yo. my dad at the last minute told me to get my phone just as they were about to leave the house, i duly did so. guess what? just as i was coming down the stairs to the door, KENA SCOLDED AGAIN. by my grandma who helped my parents unlock the door. she was all like "why didnt you help your parents take things out from the basement? so useless la you..." blahblahblah, usual crap la sheesh. this time i ignored her, i've had more than enough of her for a day man.
as i stepped out, my dad told me to go back in again, to see if we could bring anything else into the car. so went down back into the house, to the basement. went to check, no small items, forget it. went back up again to go to the car, and guess what? my UNCLE reprimanded me, asking: "oi why arent you helping your parents move stuff huh?"
WHAT THE FUCK. OI DONT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS CAN. I KNOW IT'S QUITE AN ASIAN HABIT, BUT CUT IT OUT CAN??? YOU'RE IN A WESTERN CULTURE, SHOW IT!!!
argh, i just glared at him and stomped out of the house. end of story.
seriously. am i that fun to scold? do i look that scoldable? or is it that i have a "SCOLD ME LIKE SHIT!" sign on my forehead? no? THEN STOP IT. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO, EVEN THOUGH I DONT SHOW THEM MUCH. IM JUST BEING STOIC SO THAT YOU IDIOTS WON'T GET FREAKED OUT BY ME. that said, BUT IT DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND PUSH ME AROUND.
fucking hell. wait till i go full bitch mode on you guys. you'll live to regret it, i promise. cut off your cellphone lines, email your potential bosses about how you abuse your children (did you know that whacking your kids eg like caning, is considered child abuse here? heh heh...)... fuck i can come up with ways to plague your lives. yes i am that malicious. because i've been pushed around too long, being your pet dog and all. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
and for those people who insist that family is most important, and someday i'll come back to realize it blahblah... highly unlikely that'll happen. i dont even let my parents touch me, or hug me. my mum tried to hug me when i showed her my o level results. i ran all over the house and hid in the toilet. yes, i am not close to my parents at all. and im not ashamed to say that, cos that's the way they raised me. and they have noone but themselves to blame for it. suck it up and move on man.
im not gonna say much anymore, too angry. and the angrier i am, the more irrelevant crap i'll type out, which even i might not understand (haha pathetic). oh and did you know? i've been sharing a single room with my family for almost 2months. can die. and for those 2months, i couldn't express my feelings properly. i couldnt cry myself to sleep when i wanted to, i couldnt call someone over the phone to talk to, and i couldnt scream into my pillow when i needed to. how's that for misery?
Labels: angst, frustration, teenage life
say something,
say it RIGHT.
Like BLEH
Tuesday, August 12, 20087:33 PM
argh i wanna go back to singapore, like NOW. PLEASE? i really mean it. NOW
living in canada is just so-so, but it's so hard adjusting. in singapore there were the mrts, super convenient buses, taxis (haha hella expensive but a must in times of emergencies)... nice and easy transportation like that you know? but here it's terrible. it's like um... no car, NO LIFE. wow. what kind of civilisation am i living in? for a first-world country this is pretty backward leh... sighs i used to go mall-hopping almost everyday after school, cos it was so convenient. Causeway Point was just like what, a 3min bus ride away. and if we got sick of it, there were other malls a short train-ride ahead. but here it's like NO LIFE. there is public transportation here of course. there's the YRT (york region transit) buses (who knows how far they go and how frequent they are), and the taxis, which i rarely ever see except when they're parked on the driver's driveway -.-''
please my singaporean friends reading this, dont snigger at my fate. this is truly a pain in the arse for me. i am suffering here. oh wait let's add to my current situation. I'VE BEEN SHARING THE SAME ROOM WITH MY FAMILY FOR A MONTH. officially. and, I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. im gonna go berserk soon. ugh and my siblings are not nice, grown, sensible ones. one's a 9year old monkey, and another's a 7year old pig. or rather piglet. imagine the amount of stupidity accumulated in the room. i fear im getting influenced by them. (and even if im not, i still run the risk of it.) gosh my family. a cramped room. try and fathom all the burping, farting, snoring, drooling, crapping and arguing i have to put up with. this is starting to crack my fragile nervous system. i so cannot wait to move out of my uncle's place and into our own rented one, where privacy will finally be restored. TO ME! and to the rest of my family as well. they can keep their burping, farting, drooling, snoring and whatnot to themselves, im very well off without it, thankyou very much.
and because there's not transportation for me to access, i haven't been going out much, and have been hella bored cooped up watching movies on my lappie. (well we do go for walks in the park and stuff, but then again i want time on my own away from them, so i dont go). and i tend to look for food when im bored (thats my natural wiring pfft). and all this, is making me fat. i mean im really proud that i can fit into kiddie clothes yo. it's WAY cheaper than teen clothes here. and no, i dont wear the leargest size for kid clothes, just the second largest. and im pretty intent on keeping it that way, cos it's not like im gonna get any taller anymore. so if i get fatter and i dont grow taller... yeah you know what that sums up to. and i REFUSE to become another fattie on the statistics board of ontario. so in a way, i cant wait till school starts. cos i have to walk there. everyday. bleh, but thats the norm here, so who am i to complain?
i guess im well prepared for the worst, to get dumped to grade11 instead of grade12, like i should be in. i really want to go to grade 12, cos i dont wanna waste one more year of my precious youth. but then again, my math sucks shit, and i owe them credits for grade11, so i guess im okay with that too. i'll just hope for the best (like i always do) and deal with the outcome (as i always always do).
i so need to find a job, on top of everything. having my parents around is crap WORSE than not having them around. it's like i cant breathe (expenditure-wise) with them in the same house as me. *dies* i mean, they dont even let me buy stuff from the dollar store! (eg gum) hello arh, you wanna live like a monk is it? then have fun collecting alms, i'll be here chewing on gum and downing juice, enjoying movies on my lappie while waiting for you to come back and tell me how it went.
SIAO. eh i know we're new here and stuff, and money is tight cos none of us have a job yet. but please la. scrimp until that stage? do you want me to go help you beg at the subway stations? sometimes i think my parents need to learn how to loosen up just a little, if they plan on fitting into the canadian society. tsk.
sometimes, i really really feel so desperate to go back to singapore. really i do. singapore seems hella nicer all of a sudden. oh did you know? they're so nationalistic here, for the broadcast of the olympics, all they do is zoom in on the candian and american teams, and then stop at that, to interview the families of the canadian and american athletes. HELLO. NO OTHER COUNTRIES PARTICIPATING ARH??? i love gymnastics. really. i get such a thrill everytime i watch gymnasts do their awesome stuff. so imagine how pissed i was when this happened. even my parents were hell pissed too. and every sports/news channel is the same! argh! no wonder a lot of the people i've met so far are narrow-minded about the world outside canada! i guess i cant blame them, with canada being the 2nd largest country in the world. but being closed to an age where everything is everywhere, that's not very smart. tsk oh well. welcome to canada =.=
sighs. on a lighter note, i've managed to take some pictures here, courtesy of my boredom :]
yeah i know, typical cheesy bend-and-fit-into-the-mirror-perfectly teenage girl picture. haah.
hmmm it seems friendly... right?
yup, it's friendly :] plus it has NO TEETH!
a very shy baby penguin i met.
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and im not exaggerating shy. i think i named it Mumbly.it was squawking "take me home!"
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my slogan! :D
which hat suits me better, this:
or this one?
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probably neither. plastic surgery is the best :]
BOOYAH!
oh did i mention? on top of everything, im missing my beloved baby, Joelhubby :[ i dont have any privacy to webcam with him, or cry because i miss him so so much, or take pics of myself to send to him. boohoo. talk about a complete heartbreak :'[
Labels: angst, Canada, frustration, penguins, teenage life
say something,
say it RIGHT.
it seems
Monday, January 07, 20084:36 AM
i have forgotten what it's like
to be wanted and needed
i have forgotten what it's like
to be concerned and caring
i have forgotten what it's like
to feel surrounding emotions
i have forgotten what it's like
to have an urge or craving
i have forgotten what it's like
to have motivation, a target, a goal
of any kind.
i have forgotten what it's like
to control tears when they fall
i have forgotten what it's like
to "smile through it all"
i have forgotten what it's like
to be selfless
i have forgotten what it's like
to be mindful of others
i have forgotten what it's like
to have determination
i have forgotten what it's like
to be excited over something
i have forgotten what it's like
to be full of energy
i have forgotten what it's like
to suffer from happiness
i have forgotten what it's like
to be on a hyper high
i have forgotten what it's like
to be enchanted by ideas
i have forgotten what it's like
to go crazy with friends
i have forgotten what it's like
to be sarcastic in all manners
i have forgotten what it's like
to enjoy food.
i have forgotten what it's like
to "live for the moment"
i have forgotten what it's like
to do crazy things
i have forgotten what it's like
to have an emotional soft spot
i have forgotten what it's like
to go to sleep smiling
i have forgotten what it's like
to take comfort in nature
i have forgotten what it's like
to be amused by the silliest of things
i have forgotten what it's like
to give a kind remark, or a compliment
i have forgotten what it's like
to confide in a person freely,
without having to hide my real emotions and thoughts.
i have forgotten what it's like
to have someone by my side
physically, partly emotionally
but probably mostly.
i have forgotten what it's like
to laugh, smile, giggle, jump, chatter, scream...
i have forgotten what it's like
to be me,
it seems...Labels: depressed, frustration, teenage life
say something,
say it RIGHT.
Monday Oct 29, 2007. 6.01pm
Sunday, November 04, 20072:45 PM
Let me live
As a ghost
A mere shadow
Let me fall
Through time
Like there's no tomorrow
Let the earth
Open up, and
I, it swallow
Let the rain
Come down, and
Wash my sorrow
Let me be
Let me be me
And let that be.Labels: depressed, frustration, short literature, teenage life
say something,
say it RIGHT.
goodbye my fishie friends
Monday, July 16, 20072:23 AM
sighs how sad. yesterday night my parents gave away 10 of the cutest lil friends i have (had): my goldfish. and a suckerfish. okay fine so LOTS of people will wonder why the hell would i get so depressed over the absence of 10 lil bumbling hungry fish, but when you've got pretty much noone at home for you except your pet fish, then its another matter altogether.
well i guess when my mum texted me to tell me they were giving away the fish yesterday night to a family friend, i kinda went into shock mode, and decided not to come home to see the "grand departure" of my fishie friends. instead i dawdled outside, wiating for everyone to leave the house, then come home to an empty drained-out tank. which is really depressing to look at honestly.
the worst part was when my mum told me that their friends said they couldn't guarantee the safety of our fish, which were put in this mini pond outside their home, cos there was a CAT going about the neighbourhood recently. like oh wth??? and they still gave the fish to them??? why couldn't they wait till the cat decided to disappear or till someone called up spca to catch the cat or something then pass the fish to them? argh...
but well yeah its really lonely and boring and empty to wake up, walk past the fish tank and stare at that empty thing. the fishies were the ones i'd greet good morning to. hmmm well... yeah and there're no more fishies to play with, feed, touch, disturb (haha), make funny faces at with the knowledge that they cant whack you back, talk to, admire, take pictures of... sighs... well at least i had the smarts to take lots of pictures of them long ago, so its not too bad... i guess.
weird as it sounds, i really do miss them. they were in a way some sort of escape to avoid and block out all the shouting and screaming and chaos in my house. i would just sit there and quietly watch them swim around freely, while hell broke out loose in the background. somehow watching those lil things swim around, spit gravel, bump into each other, search for food and stare back at me brought about a considerably stable sense of peace, amidst the shit going on in the background of my house. plus, if my familt members caught me staring at the fishtank, they'd somehow join me to do the same, strangely reducing the noise levels in my house. i guess in a way they were peace makers too HAH. dang i really do miss them now.
so okay yesterday night i'd made up my mind about not going to school today, which i didnt cos i just continued sleeping in despite everyone who kept coming into my room to wake me up. i really had no mood to go. so i woke up this morning, walked out to the fishtank as i always do, ad sat there and cried and cried in front of the empty tank. no more lil fishies to say "good morning, how are you silly things?" to, and no more lil fishies to swim up to the surface, gaping their mouths to show me that they were hungry. its depressingly empty really.
and no more lil fishies to keep me company when i decide to do late night tv watching too. during the holidays when i watched tv till the wee hours of the morning, i always heard some splashing noises some distance behind me, and i always wondered what it was. turns out, it came from the fishtank, which was directly behind the living room area. i think my fish were still awake cos of the lights coming from the tv, and were splashing about due to restlessness of some sort. really it was quite cute. i always wondered whether they were watching tv with me too ha.
but now all thats changed. my house is pet-less now, and very empty. that 3foot tank is still there, standing, but with only the gravel and an inch of water still inside. my parents probably didnt have time to decide what to do with it. the filter's still there, along with the tubes that used to filter the water in. the plants are gone, probably thrown away i suppose. the lights have been removed, placed on the sofa instead of above the tank. there's no use for them to be there any more anyway. i ripped off the streamers this morning, those i'd used to twine around the stand of the tank. they'd been there since christmas, and my mum refused to take them off cos she thought they were quite a nice decoration to the overall look of the tank. but i ripped it off, cos there's no use for them now, is there?
and im more lonely than ever, cos the fishies were the only company i had in my house/family, since my parents and maid are too caught up with my siblings (and kinda thank goodness for that in a way). they were the only things i bothered to take care of. oh well, they're gone. its back to the same old house/atmosphere i used to live in almost 2years ago.
but also, the giving away of my fish is a rude reminder to myself, that this is only the beginning of a whole series of changes. i'll be experiencing more as the day for me to go draws nearer. this is only the simple start of it. Labels: angst, depressed, frustration, pet fish, teenage life
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-beep-
Monday, May 07, 20078:36 AM
alrightey first and foremost, people who've already watched spiderman 3, SHUT UP! stop threatening to give out spoilers! its mean! >.< even ="P" color="#993300">instead of catching it as pre-planned, im doing it the un-routinely way. doing stuff the safe routine way is much easier for sure, but sometimes it gets overly mundane. and it can get killerly boring. to be trapped in a routine of neglect, frustration and desperation isnt exactly the best thing anyone would want to be stuck in. and in times like these, the best thing to do is to turn the tables on it/them and try to make the best out of life. even if it means breaking out and breaking free from all that used to be so familiar and comfortable with. for me, i have to. and i will.
"seasons come and seasons go" change. there's always a need for change. i know im changing into a kind of person that most of the people around me think that would/could never turn into. oh well. there's a time for everything, even change. so yeah im getting a lil outrageous now, all the talk of scandals and alcohol and clubbing... awwwh dont get freaked out i'll still be the same old me when it comes to friends =D but......
and and its not that im unfaithful, or that im seeking self-justification for my actions, "straight satisfying" myself either with this entry. its just that i keep feeling very confused and frustrated with myself and things around me lately, i guess changing under all these is just seeming to help me feel better. so yeah dont blame me entirely. oh well.
some've said they've seen it coming. others say they knew it way beforehand. some ask "what the heck took you so long???". then some say "tell me when its done". oh well. it'll happen. the main matter is when. sighs.
Labels: depressed, frustration, teenage life
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All The Better
5:50 AM
i waved to you the other day
but you turned and walked away
all the better
there'll be nothing left for me here.
i called you up on the telephone
but noone was at home
all the better
there'll be nothing left for me here.
i needed your help yesterday night
but you were busy with your gaming fights
all the better
there'll be nothing left for me here.
you promised you would be there for me
but i suppose nothing's meant to be
all the better
there'll be nothing left for me.
when im gone.Labels: depressed, frustration, puppy love, short literature, teenage life
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unreadable
Monday, November 27, 20062:09 AM
okay its not my fault that i had to start putting the "friends only" option thingie on my myspace blog... my dear wonderful parents asked me one night how they could access my blog. like zzz they are SO funny please. normally parents access their kids' blogs sneakily but mine had to ask me in my face. i almost died of laughter. no actually i was more of wondering whether to collapse from laughter or from the shock of that question.
so anyways after that night i had to immediately change the settings on my blog on myspace. just in case they access it you know... so like yeahs only the friends that i have on myspace now can read my blog... sorry! >.<>Labels: angst, frustration, myspace.com, teenage life
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this is getting weird...
Wednesday, November 08, 20065:50 AM
okay like first i had these voices in my head... they just sorta came from nowhere and started talking to me about stuff i never dreamt or thought of... they talk to me, frustrate me at times, keep me amused, freak me out a lil sometimes, keep me company, are there for me when i need them (well sometimes... sometimes they aren't there just when i need them =[)... yeah you get the picture... its fun... i laugh at/with them, debate with them, talk to them... yeah its not bad... but having 3 different people with different characters all in my head really gets to me... but it's all good... i've learnt to get used to it and embrace this whole thing ha~ some of you guys may have already been (rudely) introduced to them... yup they're kimi and saito.
okay intro: kimi is the nicer, more girly/feminine, more polite, sweeter, more studious one. any nice words or comments that i randomly type out to you, yeap it's from kimi... she's always asking about the well-being of people and stuff... don't ask me why please...
and yes. dear saito. she's the edgier, rougher, rockier, more rude/unreserved, more heck-care-please-get-lost-if-you-intend-to-irritate-me one. any rough/rude words or comments that i randomly type out to you, no prizes for guessing, would be from saito... of course yeah i'll apologize on her behalf okay? so yup people, do get used to them... cos i have a feeling they'll be around for quite some time...
and today... SINGING CHIPMUNK VOICES. in my head. oh please of all the random weird strange bizarre totally lamefied ultra unanswererable things... WHY CHIPMUNK VOICES??? -.-'' its like having a whole choir of singing chips and dales up in my head... and no it aint cute at all... sure chip and dale are cute... but a whole choir of them? SINGING??? sorry but i really do beg to differ... it aint cute till you get it in your head man... and for goodness sakes, of all the wonderful times to hit me with this, it had to come during the exam. the english gce o level comprehension exam. LIKE HELLO. i need to get a stupid a for this subject, and to get that i need total concentration and focus. and singing chipmunk voices DO NOT fit the bill of things that encourage concentration during an exam -.-'' and i was already having a bad headache. then the voices of singing chipmunks. oh the wonder of it. -.-'' its like really stupid. you know how when those people in shows receive enlightenment and stuff, then bright light will shine down from the heavens and angels start singing songs and stuff. well that happened to me. except that my angels were CHIPMUNKS. SINGING. and you roughly know how chipmunk voices are like. IMAGINE A WHOLE CHOIR OF THEM. tian... i really didn't know whether to laugh, freak out or totally just break down and cry, cos i was already wanting to cry from the first paper which was composition...
zzz anyways its over. i haven't heard them after that, or for the rest of the day. hopefully it won't come back again tomorrow especially during the exam. PLEASE. like zzz... tian ar...Labels: exams, frustration, stress, teenage life
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zzz...
Tuesday, October 31, 20065:43 AM
hitting outta control
i cant take any more
you better start running
dont think you wanna stay for the show
i'll use my last bit of sanity to scrape out this warning for all you people around me... i'll probably be erratic, moodswingy, unreasonable, irritable and stuff of that sorts for this period of time... but you know what, i won't be sorry for it cos its not my fault ha hahee ha... ow headache again.............................................................................................................................................................Labels: angst, frustration, school life, stress, teenage life
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DEPRESSION
Tuesday, October 24, 20065:08 AM
Symptoms:
-Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood
-Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
-Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness (check)
-Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
-Decreased energy, fatigue
-Difficulty concentrating, remembering and making decisions
-Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping (check)
-Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
-Restlessness, irritability (check)
-Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
-Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts (check... 5 for the record)
-Thoughts or talk of self-harm or harm to others (check)
-Giving away prized possessions or a sudden lifting of depressed mood (often indications that a decision about suicide has been reached)
forms of depression (like that thing itself isn't bad enough):
Major depression
-characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. A disabling episode of depression like this may happen only once, but more commonly people experience several in a lifetime.
Dysthymia
-a less severe type of depression, involves long-term, chronic symptoms that are not disabling, but keep one from functioning well or feeling good. Many people with dysthymia also experience major depressive episodes at some time in their lives.
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depressive illness)
-not nearly as prevalent as other forms of depression. Characterized by cycling mood changes, the patient experiences severe highs (mania) and lows (depression). Sometimes the mood switches are rapid, but most often they are gradual. In the depressed cycle, an individual can have any or all of the symptoms of a typical depressive disorder. In the manic phase, he or she may be hyperactive, excessively talkative, and have a great deal of energy. (oh jia lat... im like this!!!)
Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
-a major depression that occurs in the winter when the amount of sunlight is limited.
Postpartum depression
-occurs within four weeks of childbirth. Most new mothers suffer from some form of the "baby blues." Postpartum depression, in contrast, is major depression, thought to be triggered by changes in hormonal flows associated with having a baby.
Psychotic depression
-a rare form of depression characterized by delusions or hallucinations, such as believing you are someone you are not and hearing voices.Labels: frustration, health, randominity, stress, teenage life
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TRAUMA
4:07 AM
what is it:
Recent research has revealed that emotional trauma can result from such common occurrences as an auto accident, the breakup of a significant relationship, a humiliating or deeply disappointing experience, the discovery of a life-threatening illness or disabling condition, or other similar situations. Traumatizing events can take a serious emotional toll on those involved, even if the event did not cause physical damage.
Regardless of its source, an emotional trauma contains three common elements:
-it was unexpected
-the person was unprepared
-there was nothing the person could do to prevent it from happening
It is not the event that determines whether something is traumatic to someone, but the individual's experience of the event. And it is not predictable how a given person will react to a particular event.
symptoms of emotional trauma:
physical:
-Eating disturbances (more or less than usual)
-Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual)
-Sexual dysfunction
-Low energy (sometimes)
-Chronic, unexplained pain
emotional:
-Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness (check)
-Anxiety
-Panic attacks
-Fearfulness
-Compulsive and obsessive behaviors
-Feeling out of control (check)
-Irritability, angry and resentment (50% check)
-Emotional numbness (the other 50% check)
-Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships
cognitive:
-Memory lapses, especially about the trauma
-Difficulty making decisions
-Decreased ability to concentrate
-Feeling distracted (sometimes)
extreme symptoms:
Re-experiencing the trauma
-intrusive thoughts
-flashbacks or nightmares (check)
-sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event (check)
Emotional numbing and avoidance
-amnesia
-avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event
-detachment
-depression (check)
-guilt feelings
-grief reactions
-an altered sense of time
Increased arousal
-hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard"
-overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger
-general anxiety
-insomnia (check... having it for AGES)
-obsessions with death (check)
Common personal and behavioral effects of emotional trauma:
-substance abuse
-compulsive behavior patterns
-self-destructive and impulsive behavior (check)
-uncontrollable reactive thoughts (check)
-inability to make healthy professional or lifestyle choices
-dissociative symptoms ("splitting off" parts of the self)
-feelings of ineffectiveness, shame, despair, hopelessness (check)
-feeling permanently damaged (check)
-a loss of previously sustained beliefs
Common effects of emotional trauma on interpersonal relationships:
-inability to maintain close relationships or choose appropriate friends and mates
-sexual problems
-hostility
-arguments with family members, employers or co-workers
-social withdrawal
-feeling constantly threatened (er i dunno... it does occur occasionally)
[okay i'll leave these symptoms to the people around me to decide ha hahee ha]Labels: fear, frustration, health, randominity, stress, teenage life
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STRESS
3:38 AM
physical symptoms:
-sleep disturbances
-back, shoulder or neck pain
-tension or migraine headaches (check)
-upset or acid stomach, cramps, heartburn, gas, irritable bowel syndrome
-constipation, diarrhea
-weight gain or loss, eating disorders (check)
-hair loss
-muscle tension
-fatigue (check)
-high blood pressure
-irregular heartbeat, palpitations
-asthma or shortness of breath (check)
-chest pain
-sweaty palms or hands
-cold hands or feet
-skin problems (hives, eczema, psoriasis, tics, itching) (check)
-periodontal disease, jaw pain
-reproductive problems
-immune system suppression: more colds, flu, infections
-growth inhibition
emotional symptoms:
-nervousness, anxiety
-depression, moodiness (check)
-“butterflies”
-irritability, frustration (check)
-memory problems
-lack of concentration (check)
-trouble thinking clearly (check)
-feeling out of control (check)
-substance abuse
-phobias
-overreactions
signs of acute stress:
-emotional distress (irritability, resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression) (check)
-muscular problems (tension headache, back pain, jaw pain, etc.)
-problems involving the stomach, gut, and bowels (heartburn, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome)
signs of episodic acute stress:
-are always rushing and always late
-take on too much and have "too many irons in the fire"
-feel over-aroused, short-tempered, anxious, and/or tense most of the time
-describe yourself as having "a lot of nervous energy" (check... well sorta...)
-have "worry wart" tendencies (focus on negative possibilities and anticipate crisis or disaster in most situations) (check)
health problems that result from stress:
-obesity
-heart disease
-cancer
-depression
-anorexia nervosa or malnutrition
-obsessive-compulsive or anxiety disorder (soon)
-substance abuse
-ulcers
-diabetes
-sexual abuse
-hyperthyroidism
-hair loss
-tooth and gum disease
(thankGod i dont have any of them... yet...)Labels: frustration, health, randominity, stress, teenage life
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oh tian
1:45 AM
argh zzz what the okay now i have this stupiiiiiid stupid stupid stupid rash thingie growing all over me damnit its super itchy and its pissing me off by the millisecond... finally went to the doc's yesterday and turns out i have this stupid chronic problem with my stupid skin cells...
apparently because cells have no brains, so they become stupid and start doing random things on their own accord such as releasing some bloody chemicals i dunno what, giving rise to my stupid rashes... and like hello must it appear at sucha crucial period??? my final week for mugging before i die and this happens... like thanks a whole bunch man cells... just when i thought that you guys were pretty cool things after learning about you in bio, you turn around and show me your ultimate stupidity... thank you for publicly displaying your idiocity... oh yeah the doc said it most likely is due to stress too like hello do i look stressed??? i think i play the most out of everyone around me can... all i do is laugh and play and joke and skip remedials, while everyone's mugging the brain juice outts themselves... i think im the least likely one who should be diagnosed with suffering from stress...
zzz anyways maybe i should be thankful for getting these stupid rashes cos if not for them, i wouldn't be here typing this completely nutty entry... i'd be at my cousins house praying to die instead... my entire family's gone out to ''spend time'' with my malaysian cousins who came down for the week and thank God for that please... i so cannot stand the noise of my own family, nor the noise of my cousins... needless to say their noises TOGETHER... hahax so yeah my family left me alone cos of my stupid rashes cos i told them no way was i gonna go out, itching and scratching looking like a freak... so they left me alone in peace YAY! =]
now i think the stupid meds have gotten my wires and screws up there completely messed up cos im all impatient and sad and moody and depressed and appetite-less... zzz is that how steroids make you feel? cos if they do i'd rather itch to death than moodswing every 5 minutes and become so stupid crying/screaming ''fsck off!'' machine... like seriously it is no fun at all...
zzz anyways im having a bloody headache now will go find something mindless to read and post ha hahee ha~ (suddenly i have the overwhelming urge to cry... save me...)
do me the favour people =]Labels: angst, frustration, stress, teenage life
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contemplations
Saturday, September 09, 20065:44 AM
when all else fails, buy a GUN and order some GIN. wanna come drink with me? just about everything in my life is about to fail...Labels: frustration, randominity, teenage life
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this sucks... BIG time T.T
Saturday, September 02, 200612:28 AM
blehhs today is like a bad bad bad bad bad bad day for me... no don't be deceived by the seemingly cheerful colours i used to colour the 'bads'... i am seriously in a super mood today =[ eh i think i put the wrong face there... rarhs i dunno how to put the angry one la...
hmmm lets see... first up i lost my ez link card how wonderful right? yeahs n i have no idea how i lost it... there's no way i put it in my bag cos it was in my pocket when i boarded the 913 bus... i even used it on the bus please... but when i went on the 901 bus i realised my pocket was empty n yeah thats when everything went wrong... rarhs thank goodness camel n hareni were on the bus so they sorta spared me some money for the bus fare (i forgot to bring my wallet out)... but its so sad... my pretty neoprints, consession pass n mcdonalds points are all GONE. wheh :'(
then on the bus i started getting this splitting headache which made me wanna throw up everywhere... stupid thing...
then that stupid headache sorta like blocked up my thinking so i think im gonna totally flunk my geog mock now... i actually wanted to hurl all over the mock paper... but heheh i didnt use a cheat sheet see im so honest =] whats the point in doing a mock with a cheat sheet? its like testing you on how much you've copied from the textbook -.-''
after the test i went to look for ms sharifah to take back my other art board to paint at home... n she wasn't around!!! oh why oh why... just when i need to chiong to do my art, she aint around... oh yeah n my dear bro siu long forgot to photocopy the art prelim question paper for me... he'd better remember to type it for me cos my life depends on him now =[
yeah so after i tried looking for ms sharifah but to no avail, cheesan told me that there was a bb camp going on in sch now... gosh i so happie n excited to see my eye candy la =] but sadly, after like 5-10 mins of standing around, i didnt even get the chance to see his back =[ sucky day...
so fine i left sch in a sad state... then i dunno why but i just started laughing... for absolutely no reason for 15 mins... just to cheer myself up again i guess... but cheesan said i was crazy n that she didnt know me =[ meanie... i was planning on going to the bus interchange to make a report then call n see if my dad could send me home but NOOOO... he said he couldn't drive the car out now (when i went home i knew why... anyone with a dim bulb could've guessed...) so i had to borrow MORE money from cheesan to pay the bus fare home =[ think i owe her more that a buck now...
yeah so anyways for now i'll have to wait n see if the people at the bus interchange n train station can find my card... if not i'll have to get a dumb replacement at some funny stations =[ boo i don't want la... n yeah 2 people made my day despite all this crap... yeah cheesan is definitely one of them... she waited for me to finish the mock (well since drey left i guess its the only reason why she'd wait for me right lols=]), put up with my crap n insane laughter, spared me cash for the bus fare n let me koup one of the seaweed chicken =] fine i shall say this MUMMY YOU ROCK =] hahax but i diamond la lols =] n yeah another is someone who was so nice n sweet to offer to take me home from woodlands even though he was like on the train from yio chu kang on the way home from a tiring parade rehearsal... yeahs just wanna say YOU ROCK TOO <3 color="#000000">gonna like take a nap now cos the headache's screwing my brains up n the noise my parents are making are just adding on to the headache... ugh anyways gotta get going... fishy stuff about the fish tank going on in my house now -.-''
P.S:(oh yeah my dad was dealing with the fish tank n the plants in it... thats why he couldn't fetch me home from causeway point -.-'')
Labels: frustration, pet fish, teenage life, wost day ever
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